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[reads the ballots one by one] Blanche Devereaux: Dorothy... Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: I still have some questions about the family history, if that's okay. Sophia Petrillo: You know, Dorothy, for an extra five dollars we can get a doctor who sees patients one at a time. I assume in his country it's the same as a horse. And that is the kind of courage and strength that flows through your veins. I'm a land owner, and it only took me 80 years! Well, actually, the doctor in our pre-paid health plan says you're healthy as a camel. Sophia: I'm perfectly capable of managing by myself, I don't need help - I'm a very indapendent person! Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [talking about sisters] When I was a little girl I had this doll, Mrs. Sophia Petrillo: [she opens the door, and without her glasses she can't tell it's really Miles, not her date] Hi. Last night I dreamed I was Joan of Arc, and he was comin' at me with a hose. Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Maybe her mother is a disabled welder on a special diet. Rose: I meant, if it were clearer we could see Mount Losenbaden. Rose: It's kinda like Mount Rushmore, except they sculpted four losers of Presidential elections in the mountainside. there was Alf Landon, Wendell Willkie, and Adlai Stevenson and Adlai Stevenson. Sophia: [sarcastically] I'm giving the leftover meatloaf a thrill. Sophia Petrillo: Technically Rose isn't a fool, she's a simpleton. Sophia Petrillo: Dorothy, do we know anybody named Cecelia? Sophia Petrillo: [she covers Sophia's mouth, until Blanche and James are gone] I'm crampin' up! Sophia: [mocking Pfeiffer's name which has a non-silent P] Hey, Pfeiffer, how would you like a punch in your pface? Blanche: [as she introduces her latest lover to the others] And this is Sophia. Sophia Petrillo: [dressed all in black with a veil included] I can't even see my hand in front of my face. And you know, it's a good idea if you can find something to compliment him on. Sophia Petrillo: [talking about her new boyfriend, Tony Delveccio] I fantasize about him all day. Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Ma, what makes you think Rose's mother is old? Sophia Petrillo: Then why did Rose rent a wheelchair at the airport, order her a special meal on the plane, and put an oxygen tank in the garage? [Sophia is standing in front of an open refrigerator with her robe open as Dorothy, Blanche, and Rose walk in] Dorothy: Ma, what are you doing? Blanche Devereaux: So why don't you kiss Rose and get it over with? Sophia Petrillo: No fair, I had to talk to her the last time. James: [Blanche comes back with the keys, and they go outside] I can't believe anything that beautiful is so cheap. Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: We're interested in arranging a funeral. Pfeiffer: Isn't that lovely, you're planning ahead for Mother. Sophia: Two men on, the bottom of the ninth, that baciagaloop Lasorda has him bunt! [Dorothy is worried about Sophia's possible hearing loss] Dorothy: Look Ma, I am concerned.
Is it my imagination, or do you have less hair on your knuckles? Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [embarrassed to hear her mother discussing her love life] Ma, maybe it was just a religious experience dream. Alma Lindstrom: [with 0 she won] Sophia, what time does that mall close? I know, I'll buy you some of that bikini underwear! Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: I will never forgive that airline as long as I live! Sophia: It's great bringing two idiots closer together. Rose Nylund: [distraught] I tried so hard to impress Caroline. And no story you could tell is going to make me change my mind. Sophia: Hey - she's your Grandmother has she ever lied to you? I want to pay my respects Dorothy: Pay your respects? But when a person dies you go to their funeral to show the man upstairs you have respect for human life, no matter how wretched it was. Sophia: [At Frieda Claxton's funeral] Oh my God, this is terrible. Riding around with the boys in their cars, and the dances... Sophia Petrillo: [Dorothy and Sophia try to get pregnant Mary's father to take her back] You feel because Mary went out and got herself pregnant that she's a slut. It's someone that gets knocked up in the back seat of a Studebaker at a drive-in movie. I'll give you a hint: they're sugary, and they're gggggggrrrreat! Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Rose, you've really tempted me, but I do have other plans. Sophia Petrillo: [Choking on a cookie] Never say that while I'm eating! Worse than the burns I got working nights as a fry cook to put you through college. Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: Alright Ma, I'll have the surgery, you win, but you don't play fair. Blanche: [Rose is just coming home] Rose, what were you doin' out so early this mornin'? Dorothy: Yes, and I was amazed with your scientific explanation. I have read every word Dashiell Hammett and Raymond Chandler ever wrote. When I left Gamblers' Anonymous 15 years ago I thought I'd never have to say those words again. Blanche: [mocking] Oh, you're getting so good at that, Rose, now who's that over there? Dorothy Zbornak: [Sophia enters] Ma, look who's here. I thought only pregnant teen-agers had that expression until I saw Dan Quayle on TV. Sophia Petrillo: It's a known fact that dogs take on the personality traits of their masters. Dorothy Zbornak: Oh, come on, Ma, I mean, Phil would look pretty stupid doing that by himself. Dorothy Petrillo Zbornak: [laughs nervously] That's a very personal question! Sophia Petrillo: When was the last time you had sex? Rose Nylund: Well I don't want to spoil the surprise. Rose Nylund: I got two tickets to the hottest Norwegian musical in town! Rose Nylund: No, I don't need one of those places. Sophia Petrillo: Do you have any idea how much it hurts a mother to see her child in pain? Sophia Petrillo, Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: It took to bring you into this world. Sophia: [discussing the "birds and bees" talk] Thank God I was one of those progressive parents. Dorothy Zbornak: Then I stood up at the podium and I said 'my name is Dorothy and I have a gambling problem'. Rose Nylund: [Blanche walks in] Blanche, it's *you*! Sophia Petrillo: [Dorothy sees Sophia dancing after she's been faking an injury] I wuv you! [Dorothy is in dire financial straits following an audit and needs to raise 00 in a month] Dorothy Petrillo-Zbornak: ... Sophia Petrillo: [speaking into a tape recorder] It all happened so fast. And that, dear grandchildren, is how my parents met. He stuffed her in his calamari wagon and sped away. Rose Nylund: All right, but it's just gonna end up being me.